Extra Shitty Stock Advice

Today's stock is $JACK or Jack in the Box.  As far as fast food restaurants go, Jack in the Box is where it’s at. Their food is cheap and delicious, and it caters to drunks and stoners. Do you wake up at 3pm and are pissed restaurants don’t serve breakfast? Jack in the Box has you covered, with breakfast ALL FUCKING DAY! Want us to dump all our ingredients together into an amalgam of heartburn??? Fuck Yeah! We’re calling it the munchie meal! Now the downside to Jack in the Box is since it caters to drunks and stoners, it also hires drunks and stoners. Don’t want to work too fast, or don’t have the motivation to shower, then work at Jack in the Box. Unfortunately, hiring an army of underachieving drug addicts as your main employee base does have its downsides. It means poor running of the business, which means shit earning and crap stock prices. Every Jack in the Box drive through is slow as balls, and when I pull up to order they seem annoyed that they have to do their job. Now if we look at the historic stock chart for $JACK we can see the fast food stock we should have been investing in all along: $MCD or McDonalds. $MCD has gotten quite the ass kicking lately (Thanks a lot GLP-1), but McDonalds has an almost cult like following. The type of people that eat at McDonalds eat at McDonalds regularly. These are overweight people with places to be and calories to eat. These are your depressed small business owners, contractors, and truck drivers. They get up early and eat on the go because if they don’t have enough time or money in the day for a sit down breakfast, they sure as shit don’t have time for Jack in the Box’s shitty service. Long $MCD. We are close to 5 year lows, and we might get close or slightly below the 200 mark, but that just means buy more $MCD, not be confused with buying food from McDonalds, which aside from their fries, honestly sucks.

Looking further into different investments for different types of people. If you are what would stereotypically be considered a “Bro”, then I’ve made things easy for you. That means less time picking stocks, and more time picking up brewskis and chicks. Here are my selections and reasoning behind them.

$MNST– 20% - Monster Energy Drinks power your day, so they might as well power your portfolio too. 

$EXTR – 10% - I don’t know what it does, but it’s called “EXTREME NETWORKS” and the Ticker is $EXTR, so it must be good

$BROS – 10% – Bros before hoes 

$MTN – 10% - Time to get some righteous air and sick cash in!

$FOXF – 10% - Best Trail Gear Hands Down. WOOOO!!!

$PII – 10% - When my “doctor” says I need time for my bones to “heal” from boarding or dirt bikes, catch me on my side by side recovering to the MAX!!!

$F – 10% - F150 is the best selling vehicle 44 years strong for a reason! I got a matching tat of my lifted girl on my back. 

$DECK – If you aren’t wearing these, are you even living?

$PLNT – Time to get those gains both at the Gym and in equity! DIG DEEP! YOU GOT THIS!!!

Let’s keep tabs on this portfolio and see how it compares in the future. 

Today's stock is $DUOL or Duolingo Inc.  If you don’t know what it is, it’s a language learning app  language video game filled with micro transactions. If you have ever used or seen the app, you probably agree with me: FUCK DUOLINGO! If you don’t use the app, try it and see what happens. If you don’t open the app according to Duo the Owls schedule, the app does all these fucked up mind games. He starts gaslighting you and guilt tripping you into feeling bad for yourself. “I thought you wanted to learn French… I guess I’m no longer needed”. Then the less you interact with him, the worse the logo gets until duo the owl goes into a crippling depression. It’s only a matter of time before the Duolingo Icon performs ritual Seppuku on the next update. I’d rather invest in owl pellets.

Excellent due diligence in the photo above.

 Today's stock is $BULL or Webull Corp.  This stock smells like one thing, and it isn’t roses. First off, they were screwed from the beginning by picking the Ticker $BULL. Anytime a company or fund chooses a hip and trendy name, you know that Mother is going to tank. They should have went with $WBUL. Then maybe the stock has a stinking chance instead of just stinking. But instead some idiot committee said “Hey let’s pick $BULL to show we are beating the market, we are a bull stock. That will show them! [insert snickering high pitched tech bro laugh]”. 

Let’s look at some other “totally bitchin” named stocks: How is $MOON doing or $YOLO doing? Take a guess or look above.

I guess the stock tanked today because the CFO sold half a million in stock. I don’t blame them. They are probably using the money to buy something useful like shares of a real brokerage company like $SCHW.

Excellent due diligence in the photo above.

I understand that all people have different investing styles. If you are a Karen, then I’ve made things easy for you. Here are my selections and reasoning behind them.

$NXDR – 20% - Love to Keep tabs and snitch on neighbors

$YELP – 20% - Thanks being closed on a holiday. 1 STAR RATING FOR YOU, LOCAL BUSINESS!!!

$KSS – 10% - Two Words: Kohl's Bucks

$TGT – 10% – Sells everything from hair product to essential oils. 

$ROST – 10% - For when you want to be Trendy but not Spendy.

$TMUS – 10% - Unlimited Talk Plan at a great rate! You will hear from me.

$AMZN – 20% - They take all my returns, no questions asked.

Let’s keep tabs on this portfolio and see how it compares in the future.

 Today's stock is comparing two stocks $COKE (Coca-Cola Consolidated Inc) vs $KO (Coca-Cola Co).  If buying a stock once and holding it until you die is your investment strategy, then one of these stocks is the stock for you. “But aren’t they both Coca-Cola?”. Wrong dumbass. Let me explain this as easily as possible. If you want to sum this up easily, just remember, $KO makes the product, and $COKE is the distributor.  Are both of these ultra Boomer Stock Picks? Yes. But which is the better stock? obviously $COKE is the way to go if you are under 70 years of age, and if you are older than 70 years of age $KO is the way to go. I have some pictures of a Typical $COKE fan versus a typical $KO fan. Yes, they are both Al Pacino, but at different stages in their life. $KO Al Pacino has decorated his house in Coca Cola Products, is creepy looking, has that classic thrift store smell ( you know what I’m talking about), and has no idea where he is because of dementia.  $COKE Al Pacino has a mirror on his bedroom ceiling, is looking how to snuff out $KDP for the main supply lines of bottle distribution, is Gangster as shit, and has no idea where he is because he is high on cocaine.

Excellent due diligence in the photo above.

Today's stock is $PFE or PFizer.  This dumpster fire is overvalued, but the fire won't go out.   It's like the incense smell in a crystal healing shop.  The crap smell just follows you around.  Might be ready for a small swing if it hits down to $24 a share and bumblefucks back up to $27 but 10% gains don't really excite me and neither does this stock.  Even popping an overpriced blue boner pill won't help me to get excited about this stock, especially when there's generics out there that do the same.  Excellent due diligence in the photo above.

Today's stock is $NKE or Nike.  Has Nike even been relevant the past 10 years?  Probably not.  Do I like the stock?  Not Really.  Have they shit the bed in the past few years? Absolutely.  I know rebranding is the hip thing.  Might I suggest they reinvent themselves and change their name from "Nike" to " Koalemos".  Still a possible investment opportunity ahead.  Excellent due diligence in the photo above.